I was given the privilege tonight of being a speaker at an Al-Anon anniversary. When I first began my journey to share my story I said I would one day speak it, not just write it. That day came and I wanted to share it with you.. I am so incredibly proud of myself for where I am today. If I did it, so can you.
Almost 4 years ago today, he walked out that door.
He walked out that door with the clothes on his back and what I believed was a new life before him.
Behind that door were our children and myself. His exit was not the first one, the years leading up to it had been filled with uncertainty and hostility. This time though, it felt different, something was off. I didn’t understand any of it, I just knew it felt very real this time.
Like many others wading through difficult times I had been confiding in coworkers about the struggles in my home, and months before this time I received a piece of paper with a contact from Al Anon on it from one of those co-workers. I was offended and truthfully slightly embarrassed that she believed I needed a place like this. There was no alcohol or drug use in my home growing up, my parent’s drank with friends once or twice every couple of months and my only memory of my Dad ever consuming alcohol alone was his one glass of rye on Christmas eve and a rum and eggnog on Christmas morning. Alcohol was not a problem in my life as a child and it certainly was not a problem in my life as an adult.
I do remember a time though that I googled what someone who drinks too much might look like or do, or what they might say but I quickly dismissed it. He was not on the streets alone and he showered often. He didn’t have yellowing skin and smell like a brewery (all the time). He had a job and he loved our kids and our home. I didn’t need that number and I didn’t need anyone’s help. Her well meaning note caused me to begin isolate. I did not want people to think I needed help. I did not want pity. I did not want anyone to know that behind my door were struggles. I was raised to be private and manage my emotions internally with a strong external appearance. I went through my days full of anxiety and worry but no one knew. On the outside I was a seemingly perfect (So I thought anyways) mother of two and a hardworking Kindergarten Educator.
As things began unraveling further, the calls from the police came. Bills began piling up. Random women started appearing. Arguments and untruths became frequent and his actions could no longer be ignored. His actions were now directly impacting us and putting our children’s lives at risk. I tried to make him see it was now worrying me. Oh how I tried. If he would stop choosing to pick up a bottle after work or come straight home then surely we could just have a normal conversation and he would see that his choices were causing unrest and chaos in our home. But the normal conversations never came. Perhaps anger could make him see it. Or sadness. Or manipulation. I just wanted my life back as I knew it and I wanted the incredible father my children had had in their lives for 12 and 6 years back.
October 26, the day my daughter was born only 7 years later was the day our lives changed forever. I thank my new found higher power everyday for protecting my children on that evening. It was that evening that I realized it was time to open my eyes and see what was infront of me. The choices he made were not choices I believed that any healthy parent would make. This was more than me. This was more than him picking up the drink because I said the wrong thing and made him angry. This was alcoholism.
Step One: Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.
This applied to me. I had seen that step before, it had come across in my google days and popped up when I looked up what Al-Anon was about. My life was in chaos and she was right. That well meaning sweet and caring co-worker saw the writing on the wall all those months ago. She saw that I was struggling and that I needed help. It hurt, it all hurt so much. Why didn’t I act sooner? Why didn’t I try to get him more help? Why didn’t I tell his parents sooner? Why didn’t I call the doctor sooner? Why didn’t I just fix it? How could I have been so stupid? Why was denial what I chose to continue? It was my job as his loved one to fix it. To make our family whole again so why didn’t I just do that?
This belief was what caused me to lose every part of the being that I was. I no longer knew who I was or what my purpose was outside of the alcohol and the choices that were made.
I was then and am still an educator in a world where seeing families and their struggles means I should act. Sometimes acting solely in the best interest of the children and I have no choice but to make important and difficult phone calls and yet I was living some of the very same struggles and choosing to deny it rather than accept the difficulties presented before my children and I.
My first meeting was an interesting one. Of course I never called the number on that paper. That would have meant telling someone in person that I needed help, and what if I knew that person or they knew my family? What if they called the police or CPS on me? I would slip into the back of the room and I would hide, I would see if this place was for me or a waste of my time. To my surprise that room was an open AA meeting. I sat starting at the sign that said welcome to AA and fighting back the tears while so angry at myself for making yet another mistake. I seemed to always mess everything up lately.
Their stories and their shares, they touched me. Their desire to choose a better life for themselves left me feeling refreshed and open. They all came from so much darkness yet stood before shining a light, a light I didn’t recall feeling for some time before that. Of course I didn’t belong in AA but perhaps I did belong in Al-Anon. Perhaps I needed to begin to be the light or at the very least choose to see the light. Nothing I had done before this time had worked so what would I have to lose?
In my first Al-Anon meeting I was met with so much kindness and love. I was met with understanding and compassion. They got it, they understand what I was going through and they were going to fix it for me. I would attend the meetings and he would find sobriety.
I chuckled a little when I wrote that, he would find his sobriety and all would be fixed. Life would return to the way it was before the alcohol.
It became apparent to me very quickly though that the goal of the program had actually nothing to do with the struggles my loved one had or continues to have. The program, the steps, and traditions, they were all for me. This wasn’t about him, or my children for that matter. It was all about me. If I wanted to be restored to sanity I could return weekly and I could work the program. I could choose me, a choice I had not made in years, or maybe ever.
When I think back to those early days, the days where I was consumed with fear, guilt, and anxiety and the days where I didn’t know if I could even go on one more minute, I realize just how truthfully grateful I am for the Al-Anon program and the path my life took. I do not know if his sobriety ever will come, or perhaps it’s already here and I’m not aware of it but I do know that his path was never mine to walk anyways. It was never my job to save him or fight for his sobriety. My job was to fight for myself. To wake up everyday and choose to see the light. To work the steps and cherish this program each and every day.
I used to believe that if I worked my way through the program and the steps and I absorbed it all, that one day the work would be completed, one day I would no longer require this program. What a funny thought that is. I live everyday in the moment, and cherishing it all. I apply every step and aspect of it to my everyday life, whether it applies to alcohol or not.
In the past four years I have learned to smile, to experience joy, and be grateful. The hardest days are behind me for now but should others come up I have a lifetime full of tools and connections from this space that is easily accessible.
We are never alone and my choice to keep coming back will never faulter.
She is Found 