Covid – I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to give it my headspace but as I think continuously about the place we are at right now in Ontario I just can’t help it, I can’t help feeling like I need to do something for those that I care about. Mostly all of you that ready this are “my people”, you are the people I see on a daily basis or in passing here and there, you are the people that I reach for in my times of need, and the people that have supported me endlessly on my journey. The people I would give what I had to help (of course remembering me first). This time though, I can’t. I am sitting on the sidelines prepping for the time that I again show up. I’m anxiously awaiting for test results and answers, even if they don’t directly impact me. Before, I could show up at your house for a coffee and a simple elbow pump or a socially safe smile, leave a little cut heart to be found in your classroom or window, or share a “kindy” chocolate when I can tell it’s been a bad day, but today instead – I’m here feeling. We are back there again, in complete lock down and some of you are even in isolation anxiously waiting as well.
Last March the worries of Covid got me. I didn’t even want to leave my house for groceries, I’m sure if I had owned my Garmin watch at that time it would show a day of constant anxiety and a high heart rate even while all I did was sit on the couch. Truth be told, it took me until June to feel like I could breathe again. I continued to work hard at my Yoga practice and in April I dove into learning to run and I spent countless hours just walking and walking the big old town I live in, but aside from anything I could do alone I had to force myself to see the outside world or to allow the outside world to see me. That included my family. I was consumed with it all. Consumed with fear. Consumed with checking stats. I would call my family continuously to ensure they had no symptoms and at one point I remember my Grandpa reminding me that “This too shall pass”. Covid had me.
Similar to the time on my floor in 2018 I had a moment on my couch when I realized this had to go. I couldn’t live like this any longer. So I did what I did before, reminded myself that I could be the change I wished to see and it was time to change. I reached out to people I thought might have been like me, seeking a change and a desire for more. My good friend Sara Hope led me to The Fulfilment group on Facebook with Peggy Birr, Peggy found me Kelly Thorne who ironically enough also lived a life that included a desire to fight for herself. Kelly found me Marsha Vanwynsberghe an Author, Speaker and Coach. I remember looking at these ladies online and thinking that they must just talk to me because they feel sorry for me, but at that point I was willing to take anything anyone was willing to give me to feel like maybe just maybe there would be a light at the end of this tunnel.
I had done the moments (even days) of worry, anger and tears. I never stayed long in those moments because I always knew that I had struggled before and that I was able to come back from those days but it didn’t mean I was a pro or that I wasn’t allowed to feel all of the struggles that covid brought to the table. They all went in waves and continue to go in waves. The feelings and the up’s and down’s they come and come often but the Ashley who has worked so hard to not let things become so bad that I wanted to curl up in a hole and simply be forgotten always knows that I will feel it, I will allow the feelings in but I will not stay there. I cannot stay there.
So what the heck do I do? It sure sounds easier said than done, doesn’t it?
I journal, I brain dump every little thing I need to get off my mind and sometimes when I journal I color like a 16 year old again all over my page. Remembering the little girl in me helped me heal tremendously when I allowed it. Sunflowers, my name in different print, little hearts or favorite quotes, they fill the gaps in between my frantic writing.
I walk, run, practice yoga or half a$$ a home work out. I will be real and say I have no experience ever attending a gym or following a strict workout program but I also wasn’t a runner before so you can truly start anywhere. I know that I began to feel like a different person when I fought the urge to sit on the couch and pushed myself to move my body daily.
When I felt lonely, I’ll be real with you and say that this happened a lot because I was still healing from my relationship ending and trying to find my place as a single mom in a new unknown world. So I would reach for people but not ask for anything. I have been known to send message that is simple and to the point “love you” or even just a heart emoji, those times, they are the times when I need love but I have learned that what I put out I always get back. So I could sit in my pity party lonely world or I could make sure those I care about know I love them. I know that a lot of us don’t have the ability to reach out during struggles but let me tell you, the one word responses or a heart back always filled my cup and reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this. We are all feeling too and even if we don’t have a lot to give, one small thing goes a really long way.
So I got rid of my unwanted thoughts by dumping them on paper, moved my body and spread love when the truth was I just wanted to receive some love myself.
What’s my point? Am I telling you all this so you feel sorry for my harder days? Or perhaps I’m telling you this so that feel bad for sitting on the couch like I did before? I’m telling you this so you know you are not alone. Every single feeling you are feeling right now – someone else has felt it too. Feel. Do what you need to do to get through the next round of lock down and online learning but know that if I can push myself for more, you can too. Those women online, they didn’t feel sorry for me, they saw my light and pulled it out of me. They still continue to pull it out of me 12 months later. You have the light too, I promise.
Just Keep Going
~Ashley XOXO
She is Found 