I did it for them, and now I do it for me.

I did it for them, and now I do it for me.

Far too many times the floor found me, only this time there was a difference in the evening. My son, he found me. On the kitchen floor, in a puddle of tears with the ugly cry happening. There was no denying it, there was no water in the eyes trick, heck, I didn’t even have the television on that would have allowed me to pretend it was the show I was watching.

I won’t forget his words “Mom, are you ok?” And even worse than his words, his eyes. Those big beautiful eyes stared at me with the upmost concern for his Mom. I fluffed him off, told him I was going to be ok …. And I picked up my dang socks in that moment.

The kitchen floor had to go. The poor me, poor us had to go. They why me, why us had to go. The pity, the wallowing, all of it, it had to go. My children deserved far more then I was giving them in the place I was living, but I was far too tired to give anymore, the floor, it was easier, or so I thought.

It didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t come without challenges, but I knew it had to be done.

I learned to let not only my family help me, but my friends, co-workers, and even community members. The saying It Takes a Village to raise a child, it became my go to. It allowed me to realize that I didn’t have to do it alone. I threw away the notion that I had to carry doing it on my own like a badge of fricken honor and I let people in to help. To be honest, receiving is tough crap. Ridiculously hard if you have just always “done it alone” and “don’t need any help”.

This crazy thing happened though, when I asked for help, I got to breathe a little. I let go of the notion that I needed to be super mom and you know what the best part of it all was, my children, they survived it. They were ok without their mom not doing it all. Heck, they were even excited to have other people to spend time with. Another crazy thing that happened, not running myself into the ground meant that I no longer had to have as many naps in the car to stay awake for the drive home, and in that sleeping time, I found time to walk. Time to blare music on my head phones. The music and walking almost always made me cry, so there was tears to still be wiped but I felt lighter, like suddenly I wasn’t going to sink, perhaps I could swim, even just a little.

Unknowingly in those days, by far the hardest days I had lived, I created my self-care musts. I walked, I ran a little, I slept a little, I even took books and began to read again but, most importantly, I found my way. I found my desire to fight for the life I wanted for my children first.

First for them and now for me.

After the self-care discovery, I began to wonder who I truly was. I was their mom, and his spouse for so long, I gave to the skating world, the hockey world, and the dance world, but I knew nothing about Ashley’s personal world anymore.

Fighting to find the mom my children deserved, finally allowed me to see that Ashley, she deserved more too… and that’s where it began. We as mom’s, we too often loose ourselves, we forget that we are just as important as them, heck, I might even say that we are actually what’s most important because if I have nothing, then I cannot give. Simply Put.

Momma’s, fight for you, start however you need to start, and don’t ever stop.

I did it all for them, and now I do it for me.